my huge C R U S H

I love this picture. I only wish it was recent. Even being cropped at the waist, the fact that I was in a bikini, in public and allowed a picture {likely asked for it} combine to make a very distant yet fond memory of days when I was in shape.

We all have our fears. One of my greatest fears is the gym- specifically the weight room. I would rather give  a speech in front of a congregation of 500 or probably even 1000 than walk in to a weight room alone with the expectation of working out. I'm extremely intimidated and have yet to get over it.

In high school, while I played volleyball I never had a lot of upper body strength. Of course, my coach being the good man he was let me know this often and that I needed to get in to the gym. The summer before my senior year, he even met me at the gym and walked me through a weight circuit to increase my strength. I paid for a three-month membership and never stepped another foot in the gym. I was terrified and never did do it on my own. What a waste.

In a high school weight training class that I was in, I remember the panic and fear I felt having to test in order to pass the class. I was working for a chiropractor at the time and think I somehow got him to write me a note that my back was bad, {or some other lame, made-up excuse} so I couldn't test and I got out of it. Something stupid like that. My fear goes back a bit- way back.

After Tyler was born, I started taking fitness classes since I was at school anyway finishing up my degree. I enjoyed these- but none included weight lifting. Water aerobics, step aerobics, aerobic kickboxing and racquetball- anything but weights. I even remember loving aerobics so much the thought crossed my mind that it would be cool to maybe teach someday. I was in shape one day way back when...

One of the things Jim and I really loved to do as we were dating was work out together. Quite the extreme opposite of me, he's most comfortable in the weight room and loves lifting. In his single days, he would easily spend three hours a day working out. As it's taken a back seat for the past few years, he's slowly getting back in to a groove. He's also quite disciplined and has been getting up to an alarm set to 4:45 every morning. He's asked me to go, I always turn him down in spite of the fact that I'm not happy with my body right now.

With the strong encouragement of a new friend here, I had a light-bulb moment this week and realized I'm just so full of excuses. The boys let me know that she's like to go on a bike ride with me. Sounds great, right? My problem- she takes 30-mile bike rides. That's not 30 miles a week or a month. She treks 30 miles at one time in one day through these rolling hills of Germany that make up our backyard. I confessed to her that I'd love to bike with her, but I'm just {a lot} afraid of her. I have to get in shape if I'm ever going to make it even a mile.

She asked why I wasn't getting up and going with Jim in the mornings. With Justin and Ty here, the little guys are fine, right? We could take two cars and I could be back with plenty of time to get them off to the bus. My only answer for her, "I'm lazy."

Today was my second day {morning} in the weight room with my husband. My heart is so full. I watch him and can't believe that I actually get to share a bed {a house, our boys, a life} with this amazing man. He's tender and sensitive, knowledgeable and strong. So strong. He feels like my own personal trainer and I'm flooded with these giddy feelings as if I have this huge crush on this hunk of a man who is helping me. Almost distracting enough to forget about the people, the mirrors, the weights and the gym that I'm standing in and so afraid of. 

What a way to start the day out spending an hour together- we're both loving it. I can't move my arms without feeling pain and I'm told my back will be sore tomorrow- it can only get easier, right?